Inner Child

I've been thinking a lot about triggers. Some triggers are very blatantly obvious, and others are less so. I'm not a perfect person; I admit this very openly. I make mistakes a lot, and I say things I shouldn't. I start petty fights when I don't need to, think things that people shouldn't be thinking, and then I berate myself for hours after, internally.

The thing with these triggers though, is that finding the root of them isn't always easy. There are large parts of my childhood that I'm discovering I had blocked out. I didn't want to think about them, or I skewed them to be less dramatic as they were, but the memories and lasting damage from those moments are clawing their way out like trapped rats in a barrel.

I've been told by quite a few people that I am a very insightful person. That this is both a blessing and a curse. It's lovely being able to ascertain why certain things are happening, why I'm reacting to things the way that I do. Why I die on seemingly tiny hills. The problem is that finding those reasons, really searching deep for why I get so crazed over them; that is the real work. Forcing yourself to relive those moments, to hear them and feel them again. Bringing that weak, scared, meager inner child out as an adult and letting them say, "No! I'm not budging on this!" can be very cathartic and healing. And sometimes that healing leaves you so very exhausted. Sleep for 16-ish hours exhausted.

I guess my point is that if you feel yourself yelling at people you love, starting fights, having meltdowns while internally telling yourself that these things aren't that big of a deal, but you can't stop your physical body from throwing a tantrum; check your inner child. They might be trying to tell you something important.